I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that