I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I’m sorry…what?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.