[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”