my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
#TopTip
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
every single time
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”