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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
bias laundering edition
Smells like a challenge to me
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh