Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
May never get over this
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her