Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.