People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Where is your GOD now????
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Otters see a butterfly.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.