What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
broke down and did it
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers