It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI