Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Weirdly Wednesday.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.