When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
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How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor