[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
😜