Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
what
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Body by sandwich.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts