It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?