I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You Might Also Like
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
yes… yes…
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Just had my nails done!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?