4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something