“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?