There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?