My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like