We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
we did it you guys we saved daylight
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy