Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
we all know this pain all too well
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning