I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
You Might Also Like
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second