Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over