i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
sugar glider wrangler
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Warm pools make me nervous.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.