“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊