Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.