Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION