dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I am, perchance
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME