Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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It’s the weekend y’all
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.