hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.