The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”