hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
same bro
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Had an epiphany today.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?