“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
You Might Also Like
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision