I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Can Happiness buy money?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
not to brag, but mine was free
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.