“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“What movie?” 🤔
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs