Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk