Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.