My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
You Might Also Like
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”