My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”