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Moles
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How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”