Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
You Might Also Like
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
lol
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.