[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
*has no idea what a book even is*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.