Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.