My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
All. The. Damn. Time.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated