Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.