getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?