Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Very problematic
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”