Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.