If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
i spent way too long on this
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
It’s a gift
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If only
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO